Journalism at its finest

BEST (?????????????) HEADLINES:


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No…, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]


Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead