Friday, December 28, 2007

Wrong Address ...

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile...

Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor
, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 22 Nov, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Monday, December 24, 2007

There are worse things in life ...

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was neat and tidy.


Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.


I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so
nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad,
I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have
the kid and that we can be very happy together.


Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42
isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money,
really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends
as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade
it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back
to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,
and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and
call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

Friday, December 21, 2007

You are over 21

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in
a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took
his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and he put the scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

Modified nursery rhymnes ...

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

You Have Mail ...

A Sardar went to his mail box several times way before it was
time for the Mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed his repeated trips to the mail box and asked
if he was waiting for a special delivery.

"No," he replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have
Mail."

Computer Job Application

Looking for a JOB ???

Thursday, December 20, 2007

How to make me feel like a real woman ...

A man walks into a bar. There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar,
and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says,
"I need you to make me feel like a real woman." So the guy takes off
his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."

Set it free ...

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear
to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it.

Real Mathematics ...





Potatoes . . .

A Sardar, a gujrati and a bengali escape from jail and
Decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing
in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty bags.

A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight
around,and decided to check the bags. He kicked the first
bag containing the gujrati, and he responded with a
convincing "woof".He kicked the second bag with the bengali
inside, and he let out a perfect cat’s meow.

"Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer
Responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked
the last bag, the one containing the Sardar.
he yelled out "Potatoes!!!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How to ask the boss for a RAISE

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon ..

Your$ $incerely,

$teven


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet ..



NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if South Africa may go into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean ..

Yours truly,
Manager

NO
rman

Chemistry of Men & Women ...

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter
if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out
of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find
a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive
when mixed with Kid.
(Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Who is Mary Lou ???

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had
better have an explanation."

“ Calm down, honey”, the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“ What was that for?" he complained.

“ Your dog called last night."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

World's Widest Bridge ...

Sydney harbor bridge, Australia........16 lanes of car traffic.....8
lanes in the upper floor, 8 in the lower floor

World's Busiest Airport...

J.F.K International Airport , New York....................USA

The Morning After . . .

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all
spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had
to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

Monday, December 17, 2007

World's Biggest Shopping Mall ...

South China Mall, Dongguan, China.........892,000 meter-square
Shops on 6 floors


World's Biggest Office Complex ...

Chicago Merchandise Mart.....Illinois, USA


The Smart Sardar

A sardar and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight.
To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one
another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me Rs 5. The
same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The sardar
refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me Rs 5, but if I don’t
know an answer, I pay you Rs 50."
The sardar accepted. The Lawyer went first.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The sardar didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse,
pulled out a Rs 5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her
turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a Rs 50 bill.

"So, what is it?"

The sardar said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and
gave a Rs 5 bill to the lawyer.

Friday, December 14, 2007

51 Days !!! Sardar Goes Again ...

Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later,
another Sardar walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a
picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the Sardar says,
"everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

World's Biggest Indoor Swimming -Pool ...

World Water Park.....Edmonton, Albert, Canada..............SIZE....5 Acres

Worlds Best ...

Basilica of our Lady of Peace, Yamoussoukro o.

Inside sitting capacity...........18,000 Outside overflow capacity....100,000


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Four Letter Word ...

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon
use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"

Cheap Soccer Seat ...

Maybe they should lower ticket prices.

Office Prayer ...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Finding The Lord ...

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time
ago,that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still
in there?’

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Going Home Early ...

Three sardars who work in the same office notice that their boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after he leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, he never calls or comes back, so how will he know?

The 1st Sardar is thrilled to get home early. he does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The 2nd Sardar is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.
The 3rd Sardar is also very happy to be home early, but as he goes upstairs he
hears noises coming from his bedroom. he quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see his wife in bed with HIS BOSS! Ever so gently, he closes
the door and creeps out of his house.
The next day, the other two Sardar talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the 3rd Sardar if he wants to leave early also, he exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Viagra ...

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something.
Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked.
I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well,"
she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

The Maid

-- The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'
Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you .
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: 'The Master said so.
Madam: 'Oh.

Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?
Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE ...

Want some more Sarcastic Quotes ???

-- FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!
-- I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

-- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

-- I am not a player...I'm the game

-- I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

-- East to the Sea, West to the Lands, Death to the girl who touches my Man!

-- I Know I'm Not Perfect, but I'm So Close it scares me~! ~

-- I smile because I have no idea what is going on

-- I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

-- ****I'm not weird! I'm gifted****

-- You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

-- He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw

-- ~What a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

95-year-old newspaper and TITANIC ...



Monday, December 10, 2007

New Worthless Things ...










Empty Recycle Bin ???

Funny one liners ...

What is the height of laziness?
Adoption.

Why didn't the Skeleton climb the mountain?
Because he didn't have the gluts.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Husband,wife with Beer

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it
out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

At The End of Your Rope?

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were sardar, and one was a girl. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the girl said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the girl saying she would get off, all of the sardar started Clapping.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Hat Selraler . . .

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action.
Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too.
So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather . . ."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

MBA v/s Engineer ...

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute...

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scales of stars in the sky.
So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Someone has stolen our TENT"

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Just For Laughs ...

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??"
Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
" With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dadgot heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints .
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's confidential!

*********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time weshould talk about sex.
Daughter ( Excitingly ): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.Mother Faints...

Extra-Ordinary Friendship

Natural affinity... Kevin Richardson says he relies on instinct and patience to win the animals' trust.






Friday, November 30, 2007

Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine . Lets find yours!!

**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends ".

**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Wife Guide !!!

Sigh !!!

clock that has only 9's ...

A clock that has only 9's in it.

Having 9s does not make it special.... U can design a clock having only 9 with 9/9 (=1), (9+9)/9(=2), (9+9+9)/9(=3) and so on...

What makes it really amazing is the fact that... it has only 3 9s in each digit representation...


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Women are so much smarter !!!

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Something you may not know ...

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to

Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
History. "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great;
" Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" - Julius Caesar.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
18. Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
21. All polar bears are left handed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
---------------------------------------------------------------------
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Good one To Laugh !!!

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY


3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein

Detox diets

Sounds spiritual! Doesn't it?

Well,
the detox diet is not like
the middle path popularised by Lord Buddha.

It is just yet another weight loss programme.
Endorsed by celebrities and naturally worshipped
by their fan following,
detox diets are getting popular.

The basic principle behind the diet is literally
"to detox" the body.
This means that
we prevent toxins from entering our body
and flush out those already present.

If one wants to follow the detox diet,
you have to watch the food
you eat and supplement this diet
with herbal medicines.
Besides,
there are a number
of detox methods available.

They range from the mild and pleasurable like
saunas, massages and body brushing
to the extreme and unpleasant ones
such as colonic cleansing,
bowel enemas and fasting.
Herbal supplements like
milk, thistle, detox drinks and 'liver' tonics
are often recommended.

The idea is to
purify and purge your body
of all the "bad" stuff.
Although,
the diets vary,
most involve some version
of a fast that is giving up food
for a couple of days.
After which,
you gradually reintroduce
certain foods into your diet.

Many of these diets
also encourage you to undergo colonic cleansing,
otherwise known as an enema
(an enema flushes out your rectum
and colon using water).

Foods,
which are usually permitted,
are fruit, vegetables, beans, nuts, seeds,
herbal teas and massive amounts of water.
Wheat, dairy, meat, fish, eggs, caffeine, alcohol,
salt, sugar and processed foods are banned.

Typically,
you are on a completely liquid diet
for one or two days and for the next four to five days,
you add brown rice,
fruit and steamed vegetables
(all organic) to the diet.

After a week of eating just these foods,
you gradually reintroduce other foods
- except for red meat, wheat, sugar, eggs and
all pre-packaged or junk foods - into your diet.

Can you lose weight?

One of the main reasons
people follow a detox diet is to lose weight.
The amount of weight expected
to lose will vary according to the severity
of the dietary restriction -
the more foods that are banned,
the more weight is lost.
It's as simple as that.

Zodiac Signs

ARIES - The king
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent
kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16
years of bad luck if you do not forward.


TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good
fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in
times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring
person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive
people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


GEMINI - Irresistible
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know
where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.
Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.
Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST
IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


CANCER - The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very
romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative.
Extremely random and proud of it. Freak.
Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock
your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have
fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable.
Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in
long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find.
Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants
the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything
you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck
if you do not forward.


LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun
and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever
meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you
might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of
humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get
what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long
relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you
do not forward.


SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being
in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with.
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is
one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most
caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!!
Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up
crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.


CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always
gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do
not forward.


AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in
long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will
exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights
out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward


PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last
word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird
but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what
he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5
years of bad luck if you do not forward.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Women's Language !!!

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry." = you'll be sorry.

“ We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = the correct decision should be obvious by now.

“ Do what you want" = you'll pay for this later.

“ We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

“ I'm not upset" = of course I'm upset, you moron!

“ You're ... so manly" = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.

“ You're certainly attentive tonight" = is sex all you ever think about?

“ Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

“ This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

“ I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

“ Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!

“ I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.

“ Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

“ How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.

“ I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

“ Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

“ You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

“ Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

“ Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

“ I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Know Men Better ...

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.


Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.


Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."


Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.


Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.


Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

More Sarcastic Quotes . . .

-- "If winners never quit and quitters never win then who came up with the saying 'quit while you're ahead'?"

-- If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

-- Whats this bout rowing gently down the stream? What do you think us rowers are? Pansies? HELL NO! Catch us if you can!

-- A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying "that was fucking awesome

-- What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

-- "Boys are like roses, watch out for the pricks...

-- Stoners live and stoners die, and at the end they all get high, then soon the don't succeed, FUCK IT ALL LETS SMOKE SOME WEED!

-- *Fighting for peace is like f***in for virginity*

-- It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

-- I wasn't kissing him, I was just telling his lips a secret!

-- Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again?

-- God created men first, cause you always makes a rough draft before a masterpiece!

-- Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!

-- Guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs

-- A wise monkey never monkies w/ another monkey's monkey!

-- ***Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege***

-- One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is 2 stubborn to ask for directions~*~

-- Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

-- Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!

-- They say true love hides behind every Corner...I must be walking in Circles! *

-- Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

-- 4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Interview Questions ...

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)


Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)


Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and fourapples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)


Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant withone hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)


Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)



Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)


Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )


Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.


Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33 R ank ) Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for awhile and said,"my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.

"What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on thecorrectness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's theDAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

He was selected for IIM!

Write for help ...

This reminds me of how vcrs used to come with a video that tells you how to use them! someone clearly wasn't thinking! lol

Friday, November 23, 2007

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
"What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't
sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

WWI memorial sign . . .