Friday, November 19, 2010

Why drinking is good Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine

Friday, October 29, 2010

Love Story for Golfers

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's' hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's' confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Help Us to understand our wives

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”

Friday, August 13, 2010

Did you Know

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

The body's strongest muscle is our tongue.

Statistically people are more afraid of spiders than they are of dying.

All polar bears are left handed.

Crocodiles cannot stick out their tongue.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A ducks quack has no echo, and nobody knows why.

It is impossible to sneeze with your eye's open.

Starfish has no brains.

Mosquito have no teeth.

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

The word "cemetery" comes from the Greek "Koimetirion" which means dormitory.

When the English settlers landed in Australia , they noticed a strange animal that jumped extremely high and far.They asked the aboriginal people using body language and signs trying to ask them about the animal. They responded with " KAN GHU RU" the English then adopted the word "Kangaroo". What the aboriginal people were really trying to say was "we don't understand you", "KAN GHU RU".

During historic civil wars, when troops returned without casualties, a writing was put up so all can see which read " 0 Killed ".From here we get the expression "O.K". which means all is good.

Friday, August 6, 2010

More Interesting Facts

Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls

froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!! :D

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Friday, July 16, 2010

Communication is important

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl)

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit, Elaborate and clearly communicated.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Some More Sarcasm...

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”

“It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”

“I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.”

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.”

“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

“I wish we were better strangers.”

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Is Barak Obama qualified for the job

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that President Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, that is. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass...

Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama... when you don't know shit?"

Friday, May 14, 2010

In-Laws

Hubby and wife out driving, not talking after a row. Passing a farm of mules and pigs, hubby asks sarcastically, relatives of yours? Wife replies, yep, in-laws!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Courtroom Dialogue

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.


Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?


Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dark In Here

A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here…
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Back Pain

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor....!!!”

Friday, March 5, 2010

FOR ALL WOMEN TO ENJOY

Recently, in a large city in France ,a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Drunken Dreams

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.
Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."