An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's' hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's' confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Showing posts with label Men/Women Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men/Women Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Help Us to understand our wives
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”
Friday, August 6, 2010
20 years with my wife
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Communication is important
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl)
Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit, Elaborate and clearly communicated.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl)
Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit, Elaborate and clearly communicated.
Friday, May 14, 2010
In-Laws
Hubby and wife out driving, not talking after a row. Passing a farm of mules and pigs, hubby asks sarcastically, relatives of yours? Wife replies, yep, in-laws!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Dark In Here
A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here…
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here…
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Back Pain
One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor....!!!”
The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor....!!!”
Friday, March 5, 2010
FOR ALL WOMEN TO ENJOY
Recently, in a large city in France ,a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Drunken Dreams
Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.
Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.
Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Always twirl once in front of the mirror
This is exactly why you should always, ALWAYS...twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house.
Just think how many people she made smile throughout the day!
Just think how many people she made smile throughout the day!
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick up Willy from school and go home....
Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick up Willy from school and go home....
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Help Us to understand our wives
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Never Pretend you are Married
A Man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.
and the next moment she said ...
"Then get up and take it yourself"!!!
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.
and the next moment she said ...
"Then get up and take it yourself"!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Pay Your Electricity Bill On Time
Bob Dylan comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Dylan receives a telephone call from Electricity Corporation because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Dylan? "
"Yes... speaking"
Electricity Corporation guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Electricity Corporation guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on?
You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electricity Corporation, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Dylan receives a telephone call from Electricity Corporation because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Dylan? "
"Yes... speaking"
Electricity Corporation guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Electricity Corporation guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on?
You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electricity Corporation, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Adult One Liner Jokes
1. There are three stages of sex in a man's life Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.
2. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't!!!
3. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss,only down under.
4. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects!!
5. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory
I don't remember what I chose.
6. Impotence: Nature's way of saying Buddy, No hard feelings...
7. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Weekly, and Try Weakly.
2. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't!!!
3. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss,only down under.
4. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects!!
5. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory
I don't remember what I chose.
6. Impotence: Nature's way of saying Buddy, No hard feelings...
7. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes
and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most Rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in Years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 35 Kg that week!!
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes
and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most Rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in Years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 35 Kg that week!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Never Argue with a Woman !!!
One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies,
( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies ,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies,
( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies ,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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