Monday, December 21, 2009

Installing Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
_______________________________________________________________________________
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Donkey and the Dog New Story

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when
the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer
man was fast asleep too but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog
decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and
wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark,
the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change
his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and
started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for
no reason.
Moral of the story " One must not engage in duties other than his own"

Now take a new look at the same story...

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management
institute.
He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of
the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the
donkey to bray in the night.. He walked outside a little and did some
fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the
ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey
only wanted to alert him about it.Looking
at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the
duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his
favorite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more
motivated in doing the dog's duties as well. In the annual appraisal
the dog managed "ME" (Met Expectations) .

Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and
he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as " star performer". The donkey had to live up
to his already high performance standards.
Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now
is looking for a NEW JOB ...

Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary.
Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely
intentional

Monday, August 10, 2009

DEBT

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times,
everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a
100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms
upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro
note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt
to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel
takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's
prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The
hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note
to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she
brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so
that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and
takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the
rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and
looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States is doing
business today....!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Google Chrome Operating System

Google Chrome OS is an open source, lightweight operating system that will initially be targeted at netbooks. Later this year we will open-source its code, and netbooks running Google Chrome OS will be available for consumers in the second half of 2010. Because we're already talking to partners about the project, and we'll soon be working with the open source community, we wanted to share our vision now so everyone understands what we are trying to achieve.

Speed, simplicity and security are the key aspects of Google Chrome OS. We're designing the OS to be fast and lightweight, to start up and get you onto the web in a few seconds. The user interface is minimal to stay out of your way, and most of the user experience takes place on the web. And as we did for the Google Chrome browser, we are going back to the basics and completely redesigning the underlying security architecture of the OS so that users don't have to deal with viruses, malware and security updates. It should just work.

Google Chrome OS will run on both x86 as well as ARM chips and we are working with multiple OEMs to bring a number of netbooks to market next year. The software architecture is simple — Google Chrome running within a new windowing system on top of a Linux kernel. For application developers, the web is the platform. All web-based applications will automatically work and new applications can be written using your favorite web technologies. And of course, these apps will run not only on Google Chrome OS, but on any standards-based browser on Windows, Mac and Linux thereby giving developers the largest user base of any platform.

Google Chrome OS is a new project, separate from Android. Android was designed from the beginning to work across a variety of devices from phones to set-top boxes to netbooks. Google Chrome OS is being created for people who spend most of their time on the web, and is being designed to power computers ranging from small netbooks to full-size desktop systems. While there are areas where Google Chrome OS and Android overlap, we believe choice will drive innovation for the benefit of everyone, including Google.

We hear a lot from our users and their message is clear — computers need to get better. People want to get to their email instantly, without wasting time waiting for their computers to boot and browsers to start up. They want their computers to always run as fast as when they first bought them. They want their data to be accessible to them wherever they are and not have to worry about losing their computer or forgetting to back up files. Even more importantly, they don't want to spend hours configuring their computers to work with every new piece of hardware, or have to worry about constant software updates. And any time our users have a better computing experience, Google benefits as well by having happier users who are more likely to spend time on the Internet.

We have a lot of work to do, and we're definitely going to need a lot of help from the open source community to accomplish this vision. We're excited for what's to come and we hope you are too. Stay tuned for more updates in the fall and have a great summer.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Always twirl once in front of the mirror

This is exactly why you should always, ALWAYS...twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house.


Just think how many people she made smile throughout the day!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Never be a developer

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in
username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep
sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it
fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in
some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry
is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has
Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt
speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use
head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but
My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound
as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The
Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do
You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them
uniform?
Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces
Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces
Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all
machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both
The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of
the
two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity
is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the
bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that
intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the
Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background
noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because
of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??
Result-----------------------
He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

Monday, June 22, 2009

New Age Ramayana Narration

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch with a real mean ass attitude, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude Ram, to some real kick ass woods or some national reserve forest or somethin’... Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so I guess it was cool.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And Boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the Gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with Gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained them damn monkeys... just go along with me, OK...???

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tickle for Today

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the ine stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between the Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minuted of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Gather all requirements before committing to the client

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady open the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner in the next 10 mins, I will EAT all this dung!"

Exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?? "

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.

Moral of the story:
Gather all requirements and resources before working on any project and committing to the client...!!!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Policies and Procedures: How are they established in companies

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Why Planning is important

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had
gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

.

.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks. See Below for the question Paper.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ......... (2 MARKS)


Q.2. Which tire burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick up Willy from school and go home....

Friday, May 29, 2009

Original ZooZoo's Behind the Scenes

Archie Andrews to tie the knot

Finally, Archie Andrews to marry Veronica... not Betty

Thu, May 28 11:00 AM
Toronto, May 28 (ANI): The age-old love triangle of Archie comics has finally been broken, after Riverdale's ultimate Playboy Archie Andrews picked the vixen Veronica over girl-next-door Betty to be his wife.
So what if Betty was a blonde, loyal and kind- when it came to popping the question Archie chose the raven-haired, charming and rich Veronica.
After 67 years of being in a dilemma, Archie is all set to tie the knot with the vixen-a choice that left many Archie comic fans in gasps.
Archie Comic Publications announced on May 27 that the flighty redhead from Riverdale picked Veronica over Betty Cooper.
Already in mid-May, the publisher sent speculation swirling when it announced a special marital-themed storyline for release in August, but didn't reveal the lucky lady.
The wedding will take place after the gang graduate from college, and venture out into the working world.
However, the response to the proposal has been markedly divided-Betty fans are outraged that the girl next door has been ditched yet again for the beautiful, yet spoilt, Ronnie.
While many fans are questioning whether Archie should marry at all, because it could mean a possible end to the enduring comic-book soap opera.
The cover of Archie Comics (issue 600) (ANI)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words, upon stepping on the moon, "That`s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind!" were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

Just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr Gorsky!" Many people thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, NASA confirmed there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or American space programs.
Over the years, people questioned Armstrong about the statement, but he only smiled. Finally, on July 5, 1995, at Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter once again brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong.

This time, he responded. Mr Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Apparently, in 1938, as a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. As his friend hit the ball, it landed in his neighbour`s yard, by their bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky.

As young Neil bent to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs Gorsky yelling at her husband, "Sex? You want sex? You`ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

AMEN!

The intensity of the dog's face shows more sincerity than most people!


Dear Lord:
Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael or Vick's -- AMEN!'

Company Logos, when the crisis is finally over

How company logos will look when the crisis is finally over.


















Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Help Us to understand our wives

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”

Monday, April 20, 2009

Never Pretend you are Married

A Man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

and the next moment she said ...

"Then get up and take it yourself"!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

AN HONEST EFFORT

Pay Your Electricity Bill On Time

Bob Dylan comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs Dylan receives a telephone call from Electricity Corporation because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Dylan? "
"Yes... speaking"
Electricity Corporation guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Electricity Corporation guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on?
You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electricity Corporation, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Adult One Liner Jokes

1. There are three stages of sex in a man's life Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

2. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't!!!

3. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss,only down under.

4. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects!!

5. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory
I don't remember what I chose.

6. Impotence: Nature's way of saying Buddy, No hard feelings...

7. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes
and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most Rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in Years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 35 Kg that week!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Recession Updates

* Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off

* Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

* Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

* Women finally marrying for love, and not money

* Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

* The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America’s third biggest lender.

* Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

* Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

* Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

* Quote from a Wall Street banker: "This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!.. "

Friday, March 27, 2009

Never Argue with a Woman !!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies,
( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Office Dares - FIVE POINT DARES

FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have togo do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he' swon a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16. Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don't remove it.

17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits,smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-lifecounterparts.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Brutal Confessions

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply.

However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.


When the man came home, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,


I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform
you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18.


As a successful businessman, and with your excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 can go
into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.

Don't ever Mess with Old People

The IRS decides to audit a Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time Employment,Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a Demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my Other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
Dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
On the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
Mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he
Pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a
Huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Friday, March 6, 2009

Secret Of the packet

WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE...
HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET;

THE BOY ASKED........WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..

WIFE REPLIED.....DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...
PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER....
OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE.................................................................................

THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY......
BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET......

AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD......
DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM...BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS.......
IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP.....AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....................
BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....
THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT..........

AFTER SOME D AYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET.........
THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF....AND OPENED THAT PACKET..................................!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT........THERE WAS 30 RUPEES......
AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS....IN THAT PACKET......
THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS...AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE.........

THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED .....HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER.....AND TOLD
...DARLING WHAT IS THIS......AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP........
WHATEVER MAY BE......U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET...

THE WIFE REPLIED.............................

THAT'S NOT GOOD....................ANY WAY.......
IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET .....HERE IT.....................

BEFORE MARRIAGE .. EACH TIME I MADE LOVE WITH ANY GUY... I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN
THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE........ .......

THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS....AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD................
ITS OK......EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE ........

I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH........
BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES..................................... ....
THE BOY FAINTED WHEN THE WIFE REPLIED..........................




WIFE SAID......THAT'S THE PRICE OF 1 KG WHEAT I SOLD JUST BEFORE
MARRIAGE!!!!!!

The sharing of marriage

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered




'THE TEETH.'

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why men should rethink drinking beer

EVER WONDERED

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Godly Humour

Maria was a beautiful Latina who fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans; she decided to tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is our half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.

But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still"." You can not marry Ricardo, Maria. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are both your half-brothers".

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama, but she already knew and Said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

World's first man to fly

Swiss pilot Yves Rossy, the world's first man to fly with a jet-powered fixed-wing apparatus strapped to his back, flies during his first official demonstration, on May 14, 2008 above Bex, Switzerland.

Best divorce letter ever

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!

*****************************
***************************************

Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal,you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica ... But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not a problem.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Know your Customers

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"

Thursday, February 5, 2009

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Water bridge over river Elbe Germany

Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe!
Water Bridge in Germany .... What a feat!

Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this is engineering!

This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and
West Germany , as part of the unification project. It is located in the city
of Magdeburg, near Berlin ..
The photo was taken on the day of inauguration.

To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you
armchair engineers and physicists.
It only needs to be designed to withstand the weight of the water!

Why? A ship always displaces an amount of water that weighs the same
as the ship, regardless of how heavily a ship may be loaded.
Remember your high school physics, and the fly in an enclosed bottle project???
Similarly, the super sensitive scale proved that it didn't make any difference
whether the fly was sitting on the bottom, walking up the side, or flying around.
The bottle, air, and fly were a single unit of mass and always weighed the same

Always check your child's homework

Mrs. Smith,

Please see the drawing your child had made in response to "what will I be when I grow up?"

Regards,
Mrs. Jones-Class Teacher




(Here's the reply the teacher received from the mother the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith