Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back
her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice softens. "Anything??"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
-- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research
-- A day without sunshine is like night.
-- Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
-- Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.
-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
-- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
-- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change
-- A metaphor is like a simile.
-- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme.
-- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
-- Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."
-- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."
-- Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid."
-- "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
-- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-- "Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."
-- I wanna be different just like everyone else
-- Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
-- It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt
-- I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge.
-- You can't argue with a sick mind
-- A man is not complete until he is married... Then he's finished
-- You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life
-- My boyfriend said; "If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much", I said; "If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you."
-- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Monday, October 29, 2007
In bed with a strange woman.
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had
Better be good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this
Young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.
I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up
In my house.
She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.
She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
Anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years
Ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought
And wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that
You never served me.
I showed her to the door . She was so grateful, for all these
Things, and she thanked me profusely.
But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked
"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control
the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and
the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being
the Boss. So
the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain
Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the
Boss, so the
motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss
just sat and
passed out the shit!
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her.
If u Don't, she says u are from CHENNAI.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;
If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;
If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! loss of Mental Balance & sooo hard to please!!!!!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain fromcatapulting perilous projectiles
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate withresplendence are not truly auriferous
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants mustbe interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of renderingany testimony.
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerateaccumulates no congeries of small, green, biophyticplant
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identicalplumage tend to congregate
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneousprofundity
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime iscontiguous to rectitude
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog newtricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt toindoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovativemaneuvers
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimatecachinnation possesses thereby the optimalcachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dullboy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitouschores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours havingtheir provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid theneighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said.
"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled infor the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from anattorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finallydetermined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at onour ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the houseand pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts. The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!"
Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, "See the guts!"
Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The Trainee promptly replied, " Why the hell should I ???"
The PM proudly said, "See the guts!"
The 2nd Affair:
The 3rd Affair:
The 4th Affair:
The 6th Affair:
The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -"Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.
To this the sweet manager replied "Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"
Monday, October 22, 2007
Stupid Question: - Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: - Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here.
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps onyour feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you tryagain.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: - Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: - Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter:
Stupid Question: - Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer: - No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years:
Stupid Question: - Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer: - Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: - Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer: - No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: - No it won’t. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question: - Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: - Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!
-- "I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy".
-- We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies
-- "Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."
-- I'm not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can't have
-- If it doesn't fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway**
-- "I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!"
-- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it
-- "A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it."
-- "An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble."
-- "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
-- "Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."
-- "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways."
-- You know what they say: A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down but what if you're diabetic?."
-- "I don't want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying"
-- Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
-- The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do
-- Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.
-- None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
-- I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks
-- A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
-- Either the wallpaper goes or I do
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there,Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
Always falls over on its right side When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay For this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
-- Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. - Karl Wallenda
-- Well done is better than well said. - Benjamin Franklin
-- There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde
-- You must believe in free will; there is no choice. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
-- Be sincere; be brief; be seated. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
-- Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
-- From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Sir Winston Churchill
-- When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run. - Abraham Lincoln
-- You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln
-- A camel is a horse designed by committee. -Sir Alec Issigonis
-- Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. - Sir James Dewar
-- Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill. - Danish proverb
-- Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. - Samuel Butler
-- If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France
-- Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire
-- A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
-- The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment. - T. H. White
-- It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney
-- What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. - Charles de Secondat
-- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato
-- 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Debdas says to himself ' I never managed anybody but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Debdas says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Debdas says to himself,' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.' Calmly, Debdas turns to the other candidate and says 'Ki cholchhe dada. Kemon achho.'
The other candidate answers ' bhalo achhi beche achi bhai'.
Monday, October 15, 2007
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!He followed up by saying,
"That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.He said loudly,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out
"... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time...
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline thenext day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Edison
-- Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill
-- The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson
-- Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together. - Georg Lichtenberg
-- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-- As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates
-- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
-- Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West
-- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde
-- An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Gandhi
-- He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu
-- Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose
-- A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb
-- Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull
-- When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas
-- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-- Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare
-- A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde
-- There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
1. Men are like ........ Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ........ Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn . .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ............ You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
--Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"
--I tried sniffing coke, but the Ice Cubes got stuck in my nose
--If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
--"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."-
--I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
--My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
--Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
--I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you"
--"Don't talk to me, when I'm talking to myself"
--"Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in"
--"We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus"
--"You can't make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them & hope they panic & give in."
--"You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."
--"We are responsible 4 what we do unless we are celebrities."
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said.
At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $33000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".
Monday morning a very irate jeweller phones the man.
"You lied there's no money in that account."
"I know, but can you imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had????" ..............
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely .
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF ! ! !
Day and night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I hought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.I asked
him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."When we got home I felt
as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there and watched TV.he seemed distant and absent.Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today Brazil lost the match against
DAMN IT !!!!!!!!!!
NOW that's called
Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women !!!
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .
Please tell them your age!!!!!!
Mistakes are not crime......if you correct them they are the key of success
FOR EXAMPLE....God created you ......He than created me
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 male se gir gaya tha
Banta: to fir bach gaya ya mar gaya?
Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai
Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa de
Mom: tera dost chor hai kya?
Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pahechan lega
In aptitude test...River Kaveri is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining
Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE
Sardar 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha
Baap ne puchha "kya kar rahe ho?"
Sardar : baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon
Two Sardars were walking together
1st Sardar: Yaar mar gaya , meri biwi aur premika saath aa rahi hain
2nd Sradar: oye, main bhi ye hi bol raha tha
Sardar: in my dreams rats play football evry night
DR: take this tablet you will be ok
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game
Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only woman ....you have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman
Now who is Ravan?????????????????????
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
The IBM PC was announced to the world on 12 August 1981, helping drive a revolution in home and office computing.
The PC came in three versions; the cheapest of which was a $1,565 home computer.
The machine was developed by a 12-strong team headed by Don Estridge.
We take a look at changes in home computing over the last 25 years. IBM Unleashed The $1,565 IBM PC bought a computer and a keyboard. There was no monitor included and disc drives were optional. It included Microsoft's BASIC programming language.
"This is the computer for just about everyone who has ever wanted a personal system at the office, on the university campus or at home," said CB Rogers Jr of IBM at the time of release. Computer Costs IBM's machine cost between $1,565, for a home model, and $4,500, for a machine designed for the office.
The cheaper model would cost �1,872 today, taking 25 years of adjustments in the retail price index into account.
So what kind of PC can you buy for �1,872 today? What are the differences between the first PC and the latest PCs? Computing Power
The first IBM PC had a 4.7Mhz processor and the cheapest model had 16K of memory.
Disk drives were an optional extra but each 5.25inch disk could hold 160K of data.
The machines could display four different colours of graphics and 24 different colours for text. It also included a built-in mono speaker for music and audio. Future Shock
Consumers are spoilt for choice if they have �1,872 to spend on a PC. This machine, the Area-51 5500, has a dual core 1.8GHz processor - more than 765 times more powerful than the IBM.
It has 1GB of memory - 65,000 times more capacity than the IBM. The 160GB hard drive is equivalent to more than a million floppy disks used by the 1981 machine. Games
The IBM PC launched with rudimentary games and tools, including a music tutorial.
There was also a game called Microsoft Adventure. It was a text adventure game with no graphics and a home version of similar games that had been played on more powerful university computers. High Definition
Modern PCs are capable of running games in high definition and with surround sound.
The �1,800 computer comes with a dedicated graphics card, which would be needed to play a game like the one shown, called Crysis.
The graphics card itself contains vastly more processing power than the original PC. Impact Of The PC
Microsoft supplied the disk operating system (DOS) to PCs and it became an essential part of machines worldwide.
The PC also helped standardise business information; ensuring that data on one PC could be read on another.
There are now a billion PCs in operation globally.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
It's Performance, Not Position that Counts …
Friday, October 12, 2007
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer Larry happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain,"
Mrs. Harry cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer.
"Well, that's good. Did you know> babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Harry.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Harry quietly.
The photographer Larry opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Harry exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Harry.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Harry, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", Larry the photographer replied.
"And for more than three hours,too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Harry leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Harry fainted...
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.