Friday, December 28, 2007

Wrong Address ...

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile...

Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor
, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 22 Nov, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Monday, December 24, 2007

There are worse things in life ...

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was neat and tidy.


Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.


I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so
nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad,
I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have
the kid and that we can be very happy together.


Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42
isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money,
really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends
as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade
it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back
to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,
and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and
call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

Friday, December 21, 2007

You are over 21

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in
a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took
his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and he put the scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

Modified nursery rhymnes ...

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

You Have Mail ...

A Sardar went to his mail box several times way before it was
time for the Mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed his repeated trips to the mail box and asked
if he was waiting for a special delivery.

"No," he replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have
Mail."

Computer Job Application

Looking for a JOB ???

Thursday, December 20, 2007

How to make me feel like a real woman ...

A man walks into a bar. There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar,
and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says,
"I need you to make me feel like a real woman." So the guy takes off
his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."

Set it free ...

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear
to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it.

Real Mathematics ...





Potatoes . . .

A Sardar, a gujrati and a bengali escape from jail and
Decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing
in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty bags.

A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight
around,and decided to check the bags. He kicked the first
bag containing the gujrati, and he responded with a
convincing "woof".He kicked the second bag with the bengali
inside, and he let out a perfect cat’s meow.

"Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer
Responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked
the last bag, the one containing the Sardar.
he yelled out "Potatoes!!!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How to ask the boss for a RAISE

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon ..

Your$ $incerely,

$teven


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet ..



NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if South Africa may go into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean ..

Yours truly,
Manager

NO
rman

Chemistry of Men & Women ...

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter
if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out
of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find
a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive
when mixed with Kid.
(Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Who is Mary Lou ???

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had
better have an explanation."

“ Calm down, honey”, the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“ What was that for?" he complained.

“ Your dog called last night."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

World's Widest Bridge ...

Sydney harbor bridge, Australia........16 lanes of car traffic.....8
lanes in the upper floor, 8 in the lower floor

World's Busiest Airport...

J.F.K International Airport , New York....................USA

The Morning After . . .

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all
spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had
to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

Monday, December 17, 2007

World's Biggest Shopping Mall ...

South China Mall, Dongguan, China.........892,000 meter-square
Shops on 6 floors


World's Biggest Office Complex ...

Chicago Merchandise Mart.....Illinois, USA


The Smart Sardar

A sardar and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight.
To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one
another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me Rs 5. The
same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The sardar
refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me Rs 5, but if I don’t
know an answer, I pay you Rs 50."
The sardar accepted. The Lawyer went first.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The sardar didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse,
pulled out a Rs 5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her
turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a Rs 50 bill.

"So, what is it?"

The sardar said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and
gave a Rs 5 bill to the lawyer.

Friday, December 14, 2007

51 Days !!! Sardar Goes Again ...

Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later,
another Sardar walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a
picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the Sardar says,
"everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

World's Biggest Indoor Swimming -Pool ...

World Water Park.....Edmonton, Albert, Canada..............SIZE....5 Acres

Worlds Best ...

Basilica of our Lady of Peace, Yamoussoukro o.

Inside sitting capacity...........18,000 Outside overflow capacity....100,000


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Four Letter Word ...

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon
use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"

Cheap Soccer Seat ...

Maybe they should lower ticket prices.

Office Prayer ...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Finding The Lord ...

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time
ago,that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still
in there?’

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Going Home Early ...

Three sardars who work in the same office notice that their boss has
started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after he leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, he never calls or comes back, so how will he know?

The 1st Sardar is thrilled to get home early. he does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The 2nd Sardar is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.
The 3rd Sardar is also very happy to be home early, but as he goes upstairs he
hears noises coming from his bedroom. he quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see his wife in bed with HIS BOSS! Ever so gently, he closes
the door and creeps out of his house.
The next day, the other two Sardar talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the 3rd Sardar if he wants to leave early also, he exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Viagra ...

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something.
Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked.
I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well,"
she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

The Maid

-- The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'
Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you .
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: 'The Master said so.
Madam: 'Oh.

Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?
Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE ...

Want some more Sarcastic Quotes ???

-- FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!
-- I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

-- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

-- I am not a player...I'm the game

-- I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

-- East to the Sea, West to the Lands, Death to the girl who touches my Man!

-- I Know I'm Not Perfect, but I'm So Close it scares me~! ~

-- I smile because I have no idea what is going on

-- I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

-- ****I'm not weird! I'm gifted****

-- You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

-- He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw

-- ~What a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

95-year-old newspaper and TITANIC ...



Monday, December 10, 2007

New Worthless Things ...










Empty Recycle Bin ???

Funny one liners ...

What is the height of laziness?
Adoption.

Why didn't the Skeleton climb the mountain?
Because he didn't have the gluts.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Husband,wife with Beer

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it
out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

At The End of Your Rope?

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were sardar, and one was a girl. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the girl said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the girl saying she would get off, all of the sardar started Clapping.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Hat Selraler . . .

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action.
Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too.
So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather . . ."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

MBA v/s Engineer ...

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute...

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scales of stars in the sky.
So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Someone has stolen our TENT"

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Just For Laughs ...

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??"
Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
" With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dadgot heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints .
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's confidential!

*********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time weshould talk about sex.
Daughter ( Excitingly ): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.Mother Faints...

Extra-Ordinary Friendship

Natural affinity... Kevin Richardson says he relies on instinct and patience to win the animals' trust.