Thursday, February 28, 2008
Too Drunk ...
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
Unbreakable Comb ...
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Airlines Jokes ...
How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me!"
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
Funny Wallpapers ...
Click On the Wallpapers for actual size.
Listen Music alone !!!
Keep Smiling !!!
I want Beer !!!
Listen Music alone !!!
Keep Smiling !!!
I want Beer !!!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I Have Contacts ...
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Drunk Driving ...
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wife vs Mistress
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a
wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense
of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some
work.
merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a
wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense
of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some
work.
Oldest Profession ...
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about
what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God
created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required
surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the
book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens
and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly
the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore,
fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God
created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required
surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the
book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens
and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly
the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore,
fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Tooth Ache ...
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it
will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 90.00.
Patient: Rs 90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 90.00.
Patient: Rs 90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Whacky Definitions II
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by
bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise
after death.
Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by
bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise
after death.
Whacky Definitions...
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so
that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated
by feminine water power.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through
'the minds of either'
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so
that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated
by feminine water power.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through
'the minds of either'
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.
Broken Finger ...
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little
more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and
again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little
more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and
again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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