Tuesday, January 13, 2009
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap theperson who lied on the face.
Johny returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, " Son why are you late from school?"Johny answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Johny on his face.
His dad told him that this robot is special in that he can detect alie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me thetruth, "Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie"," Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Johny got a tight slap on the face from the robot."No dad honestly, I went for the movie Beauty Queen."
Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Johny's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!!", to whichthe robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Johny's mothers' face.
OXFORD EXAMINATION BOARD 1987
Question: What is courage? (50 Marks)
Answer: This is courage
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, He is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, He's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am a vagabond.
When my boss is out of the office, He's on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave,it's because he's overworked
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ..
In an Ahmedabad Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.
In a Surat hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Baroda hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Jamnagar: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In an Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Bhavnagar hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an Anand laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a heritage hotel at Junagadh: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Rann of Kutch: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In the office of an Ahmedabad gynecologist: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Bharuch hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?'
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility.
If a boy is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a town house, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a girl is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Well! You can try again!"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"
Once all village people decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella...that's Confidence.
Trust should be like feeling of a one year old when you throw him in the air he laughs...because he knows you will catch him... that's Trust.
Every night we go to bed, we have no assurance to get up alive in the next morning but still we have plans for the coming day...that's Hope.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
"Grandma, why dont you drink tea anymore?" "I dont like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"He thinks a second and he says, "Its a nice-a day!"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
A strained voice called out through the darkened heater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested ina date with a good, Jewish girl?"
Friday, January 9, 2009
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
The driver was five-feet-three, thin, and basically meek. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened: And the next day, and the next.
The driver started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong and hulky; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next day, when Big John got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at him and screamed, "And why not?
"With a startled face, Big John replied, "Big John has bus pass."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working your ass off to solve one."
You have two cows. You teach them to cry,"Ammaaaaaaa. .." and fall at your feet.
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.
You have a thousand poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, and send them one at a time to the US for milking.
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both and sell it as Cow's milk.
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to unsuspecting small businessmen.
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk,so you sell tools to help milk cows.
You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.
You have a cow. You spend 50 million dollars to develop the world's thinnest milk.
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through Authorized Resellers only.
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs.501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press one. If you have a bull, press two... stay on the line if you would like our customer care officer to milk it for you.
AND LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST...
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow!!!!
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
After marriage.... Simply read from bottom to top.
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore , Punjab