Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dark In Here

A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here…
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Back Pain

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor....!!!”

Friday, March 5, 2010

FOR ALL WOMEN TO ENJOY

Recently, in a large city in France ,a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Drunken Dreams

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.
Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.