Friday, March 27, 2009

Never Argue with a Woman !!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies,
( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Office Dares - FIVE POINT DARES

FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have togo do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he' swon a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16. Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don't remove it.

17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits,smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-lifecounterparts.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Brutal Confessions

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply.

However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.


When the man came home, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,


I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform
you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18.


As a successful businessman, and with your excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 can go
into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.

Don't ever Mess with Old People

The IRS decides to audit a Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time Employment,Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a Demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my Other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
Dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
On the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
Mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he
Pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a
Huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Friday, March 6, 2009

Secret Of the packet

WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE...
HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET;

THE BOY ASKED........WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..

WIFE REPLIED.....DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...
PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER....
OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE.................................................................................

THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY......
BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET......

AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD......
DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM...BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS.......
IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP.....AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....................
BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....
THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT..........

AFTER SOME D AYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET.........
THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF....AND OPENED THAT PACKET..................................!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT........THERE WAS 30 RUPEES......
AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS....IN THAT PACKET......
THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS...AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE.........

THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED .....HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER.....AND TOLD
...DARLING WHAT IS THIS......AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP........
WHATEVER MAY BE......U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET...

THE WIFE REPLIED.............................

THAT'S NOT GOOD....................ANY WAY.......
IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET .....HERE IT.....................

BEFORE MARRIAGE .. EACH TIME I MADE LOVE WITH ANY GUY... I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN
THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE........ .......

THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS....AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD................
ITS OK......EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE ........

I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH........
BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES..................................... ....
THE BOY FAINTED WHEN THE WIFE REPLIED..........................




WIFE SAID......THAT'S THE PRICE OF 1 KG WHEAT I SOLD JUST BEFORE
MARRIAGE!!!!!!

The sharing of marriage

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered




'THE TEETH.'

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why men should rethink drinking beer

EVER WONDERED

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'