Time Management: Real Life Story

Time Management: Real Life Story

How many people you hate ?

"You don't realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby..."

Why drinking is good Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine

Love Story for Golfers

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's' hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's' confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Help Us to understand our wives

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

In-Laws

Hubby and wife out driving, not talking after a row. Passing a farm of mules and pigs, hubby asks sarcastically, relatives of yours? Wife replies, yep, in-laws!

Courtroom Dialogue

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.


Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?


Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'

Dark In Here

A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here…
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Back Pain

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor....!!!”

FOR ALL WOMEN TO ENJOY

Recently, in a large city in France ,a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Drunken Dreams

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.
Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.

Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

Installing Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
_______________________________________________________________________________
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

The Donkey and the Dog New Story

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when
the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer
man was fast asleep too but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog
decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and
wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark,
the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change
his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and
started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for
no reason.
Moral of the story " One must not engage in duties other than his own"

Now take a new look at the same story...

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management
institute.
He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of
the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the
donkey to bray in the night.. He walked outside a little and did some
fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the
ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey
only wanted to alert him about it.Looking
at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the
duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his
favorite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more
motivated in doing the dog's duties as well. In the annual appraisal
the dog managed "ME" (Met Expectations) .

Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and
he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as " star performer". The donkey had to live up
to his already high performance standards.
Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now
is looking for a NEW JOB ...

Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary.
Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely
intentional

Mallu secretary

DEBT

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times,
everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a
100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms
upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro
note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt
to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel
takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's
prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The
hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note
to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she
brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so
that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and
takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the
rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and
looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States is doing
business today....!!

Never be a developer

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in
username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep
sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it
fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in
some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry
is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has
Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt
speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use
head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but
My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound
as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The
Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do
You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them
uniform?
Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces
Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces
Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all
machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both
The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of
the
two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity
is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the
bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that
intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the
Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background
noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because
of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??
Result-----------------------
He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

New Age Ramayana Narration

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or somethin’, was kind of a bitch with a real mean ass attitude, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude Ram, to some real kick ass woods or some national reserve forest or somethin’... Since he was going, for like, somethin’ like more than 10 years or so... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so I guess it was cool.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And Boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the Gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with Gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained them damn monkeys... just go along with me, OK...???

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted...