Marketing Concepts

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' - That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: 'He's very rich. Marry him.' - That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.' - That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?' - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says: You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?' - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
I am very rich. Marry me!' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you
marry me?' and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your
market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - That's restriction
for entering new markets

HR - Love Letter

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend?

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take! up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.


I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,


Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

'T-G-I-F' vs 'S-H-I-T'

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

Do you really know a woman

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

She is a womanIf you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable... ...

Six white horses and President Bush

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides
to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934
Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent
17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shakes
the coach.

The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use
perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of
state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President,please
accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that
even a Queen cannot control.'

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, 'Your
Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.
Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'

Forgiving or punishing

Forgiving or punishing
the terrorists
is left to God.
But,
fixing their appointment
with God
is our responsibility
- Indian Army


Updated statement for this in S/w industry...
---------------------------------------------------------

Forgiving or punishing
the Developer
is left to Manager.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Manager
is our responsibility

-Tester



We all knew that..... but this one is damn good..


Forgiving or punishing
the Manager
is left to Client.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Client
is our responsibility

- Developer

FLOW CHART of ur PERSONALITY

Whats your personality type ...


[Click On the Image for Enlarge View]

Employee Resignation (Poetic Resignation)

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.

Thanks & Regards
Employee

Manager's Response to Employee's Resignation (Poetic)

Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)

The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say

If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say

Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work

It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say

Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....

You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say
Hi....
That is all what I want to say.

Thanks & Regards
Manager

Appraisal Time...

GENERAL MOTORS reply to BILL GATES-Dont challenge mechanical

DON'T CHALLENGE MECHANICAL FOR IT.

General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release Stating:
"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp 7th point and 10'th point):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read CTR-ALT-DEL)

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. "

Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries

A small touching story mainly for professionals...

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.

SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with
you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

Difference between Potentially and In Reality

Youngest Son: Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and " in
reality"?

Dad: "I will demonstrate"

Dad turns to Wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1
million dollars?

Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million
dollars?

Daughter: Waow! Yes! This is my fantasy!

Dad next turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars?

Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I
would never hesitate!

So Dad then turns back to his younger son saying:

You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in
reality" we are living with 2 Bitches and a Gay!

Prison vs Cubicle...

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell

AT WORK
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell . you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..
*****************************************************************
IN PRISON AT WORK
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
you get three meals a day (free). you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

*****************************************************************
IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

****************************************************************
IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

***************************************************************
IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you can watch TV and play games. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

***************************************************************

IN PRISON AT WORK
you get your own toilet .

AT WORK
you get your own toilet . you have to share .

***************************************************************
IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
***************************************************************
IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Humm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for.........

Kill your Manager !!!

Motivation( Innovative Idea)

LESSON: If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door ...

Shocking Telegrams

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing
B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :

"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
*********************

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
station sends a telegram to his wife :

"I wish you were here." The message received by wife:

"I wish you were her."

*************************************
TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter , while
her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady
next
to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady
and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave
birth to an old lady."

************************************
TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a
party .

So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him
what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put, "you are
not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the
top and

"You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the
entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, You are getting
better at the bottom".

Performance Evaluation

A boy went to a PCO to make a call, dialed one number...

Boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
A Woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn." Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.
The woman responded that she is very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida." Again, the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

Confession

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and

he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to.

The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I must not tell you.'

His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'