Punjab Board Examination ...

Click for original size.

Kids are so innocent ...

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants."

Student Desperate To Pass . . .

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back
her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

ORGAN THAT EXPANDS TEN TIMES . . .

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Management Lesson . . .

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be Boss.

The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control
the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and
the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being
the Boss. So
the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain
fevered.

Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the
Boss, so the
motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss
just sat and
passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will
do.

GRE Student vs Normal Person

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass housesshould not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain fromcatapulting perilous projectiles

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate withresplendence are not truly auriferous

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants mustbe interdicted.

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of renderingany testimony.

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerateaccumulates no congeries of small, green, biophyticplant

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identicalplumage tend to congregate

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneousprofundity

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime iscontiguous to rectitude

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog newtricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt toindoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovativemaneuvers

NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimatecachinnation possesses thereby the optimalcachinnation.

NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dullboy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitouschores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours havingtheir provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

GUTS . . .

On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different nations were traveling with their Trainee guys.
They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts. The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!"
Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, "See the guts!"
Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The Trainee promptly replied, " Why the hell should I ???"
The PM proudly said, "See the guts!"

Stupid questions!

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: - Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: - Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps onyour feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you tryagain.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: - Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: - Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter:
Stupid Question: - Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer: - No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years:
Stupid Question: - Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer: - Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: - Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer: - No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: - No it won’t. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question: - Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: - Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!