Monday Morning Blues

Some days, the best thing about my job is that,

the chair spins.

Do you have a Boss like this

Do you have a Boss like this...

How to improve our economy

Printer Jammed

Employee of the month

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!

- Management

Policies and Procedures: How are they established in companies

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED

Macintosh vs Personal computer

(Click to enlarge the image)

Waiting for leave approval

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 .
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"


REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Cosmetics 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Software Career Growth Meter...Where do you Stand??

Software development LifeCycle

For Only Software Engineer Guys and Gals (Visual)

Those who are designated as Software Engineer ..

Those will recognize this Pictures as their Software development LifeCycle

Are you a smart Software Engineer

Dumb Software Engineer...



Smart Software Engineer...

Funny SQL Query

WeddingQuery. ....... ........ (SQL Style)
HUSBANDS QUERY

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage (
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) )
AS
BEGIN

SELECT
Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire'
AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having Brothers= Null
AND Sisters =Null



SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce
FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout
SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal

UPDATE
MyLocker
SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold

INSERT INTO
MyCarShed VALUES('BMW')
END
GO

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Forgiving or punishing

Forgiving or punishing
the terrorists
is left to God.
But,
fixing their appointment
with God
is our responsibility
- Indian Army


Updated statement for this in S/w industry...
---------------------------------------------------------

Forgiving or punishing
the Developer
is left to Manager.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Manager
is our responsibility

-Tester



We all knew that..... but this one is damn good..


Forgiving or punishing
the Manager
is left to Client.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Client
is our responsibility

- Developer

GENERAL MOTORS reply to BILL GATES-Dont challenge mechanical

DON'T CHALLENGE MECHANICAL FOR IT.

General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release Stating:
"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp 7th point and 10'th point):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read CTR-ALT-DEL)

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. "

Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries

Prison vs Cubicle...

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell

AT WORK
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell . you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..
*****************************************************************
IN PRISON AT WORK
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
you get three meals a day (free). you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

*****************************************************************
IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

****************************************************************
IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

***************************************************************
IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you can watch TV and play games. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

***************************************************************

IN PRISON AT WORK
you get your own toilet .

AT WORK
you get your own toilet . you have to share .

***************************************************************
IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
***************************************************************
IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Humm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for.........

Kill your Manager !!!

Software Engineers-Online chat

A Guy WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.

Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's


Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you,if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to
Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's
real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Urmail in an hour from now.ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE.
NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

Different Hell for each country

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do
they do here?" He told," First they put you in an electric chair for
an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He
checks
out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do
here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting
to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair
does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the
devil is a Software Engineer, so he comes in, signs the register and
then goes to the Cafeteria!!!!! !

If Ramayana was written by Bill Gates...!!!

Always allow the boss to speak first

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their PM are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come
across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost Says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but
as you are three, I will allow one wish each".


So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I
want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.

"Pfufffff and he was gone.


Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep
quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty
of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff and he was also gone.


The PM calmly said," I want these two idiots back
in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the boss to speak first"