Installing Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
_______________________________________________________________________________
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Never be a developer

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in
username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep
sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it
fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in
some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry
is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has
Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt
speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use
head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but
My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound
as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The
Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do
You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them
uniform?
Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces
Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces
Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all
machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both
The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of
the
two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity
is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the
bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that
intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the
Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background
noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because
of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??
Result-----------------------
He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

GENERAL MOTORS reply to BILL GATES-Dont challenge mechanical

DON'T CHALLENGE MECHANICAL FOR IT.

General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release Stating:
"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp 7th point and 10'th point):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read CTR-ALT-DEL)

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. "

Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries

RECRUITING IT Guys ...

WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER 2 YRS FROM NOW IF all IT Companies GOES ON RECRUITING AT THE CURRENT PACE ...

Real Stories from a Virtual World ...

• Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
• Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
• A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
• A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
• A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
• A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
• A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
• A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
• Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Computers are like Men / Women

Computers are Like Men...

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.


Computers are Like Women...

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.