Father- Daughter Talk

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ “

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Always check your child's homework

Mrs. Smith,

Please see the drawing your child had made in response to "what will I be when I grow up?"

Regards,
Mrs. Jones-Class Teacher




(Here's the reply the teacher received from the mother the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Humour from 6 Year Olds

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant

No adult is this creative !!!

JACK (age 3)
Was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4)
Had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4)
Was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4)
Stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4)
Was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5)
Was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4)
Was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:
"What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4)
Was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

A+ in Mathematics

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

I don't want to go to School

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM :One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

School Gags...

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."


Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"


Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.


"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"


Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Great Slide ...

Kids are so innocent ...

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
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The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants."

Why are some hair white ...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Donot Mess With Kids ...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Modified nursery rhymnes ...

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Real Mathematics ...

Finding The Lord ...

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time
ago,that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still
in there?’

In a Minute ! ! !

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."